


what could have been

by heyvelrisa



Category: Original Work
Genre: Alternate Universe - Royalty, Domestic Fluff, F/F, Fluff, Royalty, Stargazing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 20:47:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29532192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heyvelrisa/pseuds/heyvelrisa
Summary: Clementine is forced to face her insecurities instead of ignoring them.
Relationships: Clementine Cordelia/Alexandra Gold
Kudos: 2





	what could have been

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first time writing a first person piece on here (i think. im not sure. its currently 3:30 am) so please be nice lol i havent written in first person in so long. it’s from clementine’s POV!
> 
> alex belongs to AddySnow!

"Do you ever regret it?"

I tore my eyes away from the star-speckled sky to look over at my wife. Alex kept her gaze fixed firmly on the sky, lips set in a fine line. I furrowed my eyebrows. 

"Regret what?" I asked quietly. She shrugged.

"Becoming queen?"

Something like anxiety gnawed at my stomach. "No, not really. Why? Do you?"

"Of course not," she said quickly, finally turning to look at me. "I just know that this has been stressful for you from day one. And I just... yeah. You know." 

I looked back up at the sky instead of replying. It was much easier to chart stars in your mind than to directly face your issues. Or so I had found. 

"I'm sorry," Alex said quietly, taking my hand in hers. "I shouldn't have brought it up."

"No, dear, you don't have to be sorry." I squeezed her hand to reassure her. "I mean, it has been a lot. And adjusting is hard." I wrinkled my nose at the sky. "You knew that, but. Yeah. They don't really tell you how many people you have to represent."

"Well, they do. It's just hard to put that into words that someone can comprehend until you're experiencing it firsthand." I could feel her gaze still steady on me. "Hell, thirty people doesn't seem like a lot until they're all in your bedroom with you."

"I guess." I sighed and shifted closer to her, tucking my head up under her chin. We had been laying in the courtyard for hours now, stargazing on the soft grass. "I just overestimated my abilities, I think."

"I don't think so." I closed my eyes and leaned into the soft rumble of her chest as she spoke. "I think you're an extremely capable woman with strong, good morals and a very likable personality and pure intentions, but you're still new to this, and this is a lot of pressure for one person to bear. And you're making history here, which does not help your case."

"Thank you," I murmured, closing my eyes. Capable woman. I didn't feel like one most of the time. "I'm not sure that over half a year constitutes being new, though."

"It certainly is in the grand scheme of things. You're doing just fine, love. I'm proud of you. We all are."

I hummed noncommittally and went quiet for a while, letting the sound of our breathing fill the silence. There was a soft breeze blowing through the grass that made me curl closer to her. "I do wish it were different sometimes," I finally admitted. "Not that I wasn't queen, persay. I think this option is better for Isaac and I both."

"I agree."

"But part of me has always wished I just hadn't been born into it. It was so hard for me to get here, to the best option, and it's just so... unfair." I sighed. "It was incredibly difficult to grow up under such stressful conditions only for it to escalate further."

"What would you have instead?" Alex asked gently. "I mean, besides 'anything else.' Did you grow up with specific narratives in your head?"

"Of course I did." I tilted my chin up to look at her. "Do you know how many times I almost asked you to just run away with me?"

A hint of a smile tugged at her lips. "I don't recall."

"A few too many, I would imagine." I set my head back on her chest and took a moment to listen to the beating of her heart. "I wanted to move with you to a small cottage in town. Maybe even on the outskirts, closer to the woods. And I could raise a garden, and we could provide for each other, and neither of us would have to worry about any royal duties. We could just... be. And Isaac and Lilith would be safe, too, and I wouldn't have to carry the burden of teaching them that what really matters is the way they are seen in the public eye."

Alex hummed softly. "That sounds very nice."

I sighed softly. "Do you remember when we went to the winter festival? And we were simply there, without having to worry about what we looked like or who we were seen with or what we did while we were there? I want that, but all the time. I wish we could have gotten married in a little church. I wish we could start our own little family and not have to worry about what people thought."

Alex didn't reply for a few moments. "Well, do you still want a family? With me?"

This was not a conversation I was expecting to have tonight. "Someday, if you want one. I don't know." It was so hard to discuss a topic like this with how often we were reminded of it by others; how are you to pass the family bloodline if not by having a child? Why pass it to the next sibling in line if you can give it to your own offspring? The lines were blurred here in my case because, obviously, Alex and I couldn't have a child whether we wanted to or not, and we were under constant scrutiny for it. But what a lot of people didn't consider was finding a child to take in. An orphan, a family friend we treated as our own. "That's another prospect that— it just—" I sighed frustratedly, sitting up and taking Alex's hand again. "It's hard to explain because I do want— I do want to start a family with you someday. I do." Alex squeezed my hand gently. "But part of me also wonders if it would be worth it. If it would be better if we were living that alternate life. I would hate to put a child through what I went through." All things considered, I felt as though my mother had done a good job of making me into a well-rounded person despite my background. My father... well, he was another story. One of my biggest fears was to have a child only to turn out like him. I did not want to make my family bitter to the world if I could help it. 

Alex sat up next to me, squeezed my hand gently. "I think you would make a lovely mother."

My heart jumped in spite of myself, and I found myself leaning into the familiar warmth of her chest. I felt giddy, high on adrenaline, and I couldn't tell if it was a good feeling or a bad one. 

"Our child would never be normal." I let my eyes fall shut. "It's unfair to push such a young mind so far. I would know." 

"I know, Princess." The nickname sent sparks flying in my chest. "But I think that if you were willing to raise a child, you'd be the best person to do so in these circumstances." She lifted my hand to her lips and left a light kiss on the inside of my wrist. "You know the bad things ti avoid, and you are a very motherly person by nature, I think. It's admirable."

I turned away to hide my blush. "Oh, please."

"I mean it." Alex's voice remained soft. She left a kiss on my palm, the back of my hand, a few of my knuckles. "I've always thought very highly of you, you know. I always thought you'd make a good Queen, a good mother." She kissed my knuckles again, then left the lightest of kisses on my ring finger. "And a good wife, though I tried not to think of that one as much."

"And look at where that got you." I smiled smugly, praying that she couldn’t feel the way my hand was shaking in her grip. Her touch never failed to electrify me. 

“Right where I wanted to be,” she mused. She gently tugged me into a kiss, and it was a long time before either of us pulled back. She looked down at me, her gaze softening. “Really though, Princess. I think you would make an amazing mother. But if you don’t want kids, that’s perfectly fine, too. You will be a wonderful, powerful, sure woman, and I will always love and respect you, no matter what.”

My throat was clogged with emotions, and I couldn’t seem to choke out the words that came with then, so I just grabbed her by the collar of her nightshirt and tugged her into another kiss. She gently laid me back in the grass, her hands resting on my waist with the sky rolling infinitely on above us. 

The sky was nothing compared to her. To us. The moon and the stars had nothing on us. 

And no matter what happened, she would always be my moon.


End file.
